I want it to be July 20 already

I honestly do not want to have this wedding anymore.

There. I said it.

It’s just too much trouble. NOTHING is fun anymore. No more picking wedding colors. No more trying on beautiful dresses. No more having fun with Steve, listening to music and creating a playlist for our DJ. No more looking at dozens of gorgeous flowers that would create my perfect bouquet. No more finding the perfect venue, or getting our friend to officiate, or to be surrounded by our friends and family. No more planning about how this day was going to be so perfect.

Everything ends in a fight. We fight about the food. We fight about the first dance. We fight about which wine to get. We fight about him not finishing the bridal party introductions after I’ve asked him for more than a week to finish them. We fight about the vows and when we are going to write them. We fight about who is getting paid what, when, how and by who. We fight about which family turns in more RSVPS (and, importantly, which one does not). We fight about spending all our money on the wedding and the fact we don’t have anything (what are we supposed to do?) We fight about who has to decide on things. We fight about things that do get decided on.

And it’s not just us fighting. It’s everything.

I’m tired of having literally NO money to the point where I’ve started putting small daily stuff on my credit card (and, additionally, some larger wedding stuff). I’m tired of Steve complaining that he has no money. I feel like he blames me for this wedding. Yes, that’s it, I feel like this wedding is MY FAULT. I feel like he thinks that I wanted too much. He would have been fine with some backyard shindig but I had to have more. Maybe it is all my fault. I didn’t know we would be this stressed out.

I’m tired of dealing with needless family drama between my parental figures. I just want everyone to show up, act like adults, and move on with their lives. I’ve spent too much time trying to arrange everything to make it easier on my mom, but it just doesn’t feel like that’s good enough for her. I want her to be there on the wedding day to support me, but when she asks questions like, “Do I have to come (to the wedding)?” It makes me feel like I’m not important enough for her to set aside her feelings and be there for me. I appreciate the effort she is making, but it hurts that she has to try so hard.

I am tired of dealing with the bridesmaids dress drama. The store is on my ever-growing list of places I hope burn down, but I also feel like everyone expects more of me than I can even give right now. I have done what I can with that store, but whenever I lash out at them in anger, it backfires. I am giving them until the day they said the dress would arrive before I get angry.
I can’t even begin to think of suing them. Do people know how much that costs? Well, I could get a lawyer, which in two hours would be more than the cost of the dress, or I could do small claims courts…in addition to planning this wedding and all those stresses (please see above if you have any questions). I can barely tie my own shoes right now because I’m so overwhelmed with stress. Luckily, very few of my shoes have laces.

I am tired of the reception food situation. I am tired of Steve treating me like I am bridezilla and incredibly demanding or insensitive to his family because I get upset when he tells me that his mom only wants to have beef or pork. God forbid I should want to eat the food at the reception! God forbid I want my sister and a lot of the members of my family to be able to eat something! Do you not think that’s a little bit of a teensy little thing to get upset about? It turned out that it wasn’t like that at all with his mom, but the fact he got mad at me for getting mad makes me, well, mad!

I suppose Steve and I are in the same place, though. I feel like no matter what I do it isn’t good enough. I complete so many tasks and plans and Steve just doesn’t seem to care. Likewise, he does stuff, too. He purchased the plates, remembered to pay the bartender, and helped me on water bottle labels. Sometimes it feels like I am pulling teeth to get him to do stuff, but then sometimes he just does it on his own.

Men don’t get weddings. Maybe, by this point, Steve has at least somewhat of an idea, but I’m quite certain prior to this he thought planning consisted of 1. Get food. 2. Get booze. 3. Tell people when it is and 4. Have a wedding. And I am not being exaggerative here. He might even confirm this theory.

I knew this when we were arguing about the wedding timeline for the ceremony and reception (something else that has been a huge fight). I told him when we were going to do the receiving line, dinner, bouquet toss, garter toss, dollar dance, cake cutting, first dance, bridal party introduction and our introductions and he complained, “Ug! We aren’t going to have time just to chill out.”

Ya think? You are the effing groom!

Then I suggested we take out the dollar dance since it was the only optional activity that only one of us (him) wanted to do. Because he knew I didn’t want to do it, he threw a mini fit saying, “Why do you get to pick which one gets to go?” What other one, dear, would you like me to pick? Do you want to remove the garter toss? No. I am not going to give up my bouquet toss. And there’s no helluva way we are axing the first dance just because you want to dance around for money. Seriously! If you wanted to do that maybe you should have married a stripper.

I don’t even like to go home right now. I don’t like to talk about wedding stuff. I don’t like smiling and saying, “Oh, ok” to the question, “How is your planning going?”

I don’t care what anyone else says about me regretting it, I wish we would have eloped and had an awesome honeymoon. I will never, ever advise people (on budgets) to plan for a big wedding. It’s just not feasible and it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

At least I only have a few more weeks of this.